I needed to understand that this isn't just an unending bought of depression. I was just really, honestly sad and didn't acknowledge how hard it was. Now that I have realized that there is at least a big situational component, I'm not trapped in it, you know?
I can address the situation. Its not me drowning; its just... I've been knocked down, but I can recover just by feeling the sadness and injustice of it and then moving on with my life. Lots of unfair shit happens in life and it doesn't mean I am a broken person.
My essence isn't broken.
But that's how I was feeling and it was hopeless. When I finally put together that its situational, I realized that a different situation will create different neuropathways in my brain and in a few years, it won't have the same association. Its something I can resolve.
So my goal for myself now is to work to renegotiate what this season means for me. To create new memories that will override the sad ones, even if it means letting go of expectations of how things "should" be.
I wish my family were there for me, but they aren't, so I have to move along. I have to create a new family for myself and my kids. And I can. I can do this because I'm not broken.